Fortunately for me I'm pretty resilient. Always have been, and let me tell you it's a skill. Throughout my life I’ve been continually amazed by other people’s
apparent ability to completely cut off relations with some people. Unfortunately for me I've been the one cut completely off on more than a few occasions. Here are some of the highlights:
Back in the summer of 2008 we were taking
our son and doing vacation stuff for three weeks before he started junior
kindergarten. We told everyone that needed to know, and even
let our son have a long conversation with his grandmother as they wouldn’t have
a chance to chat for some time. We left
for the first trip – an 8-day excursion to the US for a rally to do with our old
classic motorcycles and other enthusiasts.
On our return my son wanted to tell his grandma about the trip. I dialed the number for him and got an out-of-service
recording. I tried again thinking I’d
misdialed, but same result. I tried her
boyfriend and left a message that her phone appeared to be out of order and
asked him to get her to call us. Crickets. We left on part two of our vacay, which was a
short four days away this time. On our
return there was still no contacting my mother, which was weird.
A few days later my brother called and told
me she’d changed her number and didn’t want me to have it. Her mental illness had obviously caught up
with her because the reason was that I apparently asked her to babysit all the time
and she was tired of it. I asked him if
he was sure she meant me because our sister has 4 kids and lives in the same
city. I, on the other hand, had only one
child (born on mom’s birthday yet!!) and since I lived a 3-hour drive away I
had never asked her to babysit. Not even
once. My son was heartbroken because he thought
grandma didn’t love him anymore. When
her illness swung the other way months later, she sent Christmas gifts through
my sister and I made her take them back.
Mom’s mental illness had messed with my head all through my youth and I
wasn’t going to have her playing her games with my son. That was almost 14 years ago now.
Almost 4 years ago my father and his wife
(who were 70 at the time) decided to take my son on a 3-week long road trip to western
Canada. By way of background here, my
husband has complex PTSD and it has affected my son as he was only not quite 8 when it
happened. For most of his young life his
dad has been a distant, unhappy, sometimes silent, often angry, person. It’s hard enough to deal with for me as an adult, so our son, who simply isn't old enough to have developed the same resiliency, has had his own issues – i.e., overly sensitive, not reacting with
proportional anger, sadness, etc. to situations, and so on. I tried to educate my dad and his wife on how
to manage some of the inevitable situations they would see, but they pretty
much ignored me. I truly wish they’d
listened! During my nightly calls nobody
let on that life wasn’t all tickity boo.
At the end of three weeks, they were going to be back a day earlier than I expected. I offered them our spare room for the night so they could rest after a full day of travel, but they refused. Instead they asked if I could meet them in the small city near us so they wouldn't have to drive the extra half hour to our place in the country. We had dinner at Swiss Chalet and I paid to thank them for their taking him on the trip. Afterwards they all but ran away in their haste to get on the road. Then my son explained some of the trip’s travails to me on the drive home,
but it wasn’t until a few days later my dad called to let me know my son had
expressed his wish to be dead. I assured
him my son was not suicidal.
On questioning my son, I discovered that he
would try to talk or tell them something and be pretty much ignored or spoken
over. (My stepmother can be pretty
intense when she gets going and her narrow view of the world doesn’t allow that
a child can have anything too important to say, or have too much
knowledge. This despite my own membership in Mensa and my son's own advanced intelligence.) My son was frustrated and
said he’d be better off dead than being ignored. Surprisingly my folks never followed up on
their “concern” over his possible suicide intentions. I know they were upset at spending so much
time apparently arguing with my son. As
I explained to them, they had only to call me and talk to me about it and I
could have (1) settled it up on the phone, or (2) arranged for a flight and have
them drop him at an airport. I told them
their expectations were unrealistic. Ten
years before they had taken my stepmother’s two grandchildren out east and had
a perfect trip. Well, for one thing,
that was ten years ago. They were only
60 then. For another thing, they practically
raised those two kids and it was unrealistic to expect my son, who they only
saw maybe a maximum of six times a year due to geography, to behave the same
way. Not only was he an entirely
different person, but they didn’t really know the person he was. It didn’t matter what I said. They cut off contact in the summer of 2018.
Last December I reached out to a friend who
lives in the large city that’s three hours drive from me. Her birthday is just before Christmas and I
wanted to wish her a happy birthday. She
didn’t answer and I left a message, singing Happy Birthday to her. I thought nothing of her not answering
because she could have been working or at an audition, or any number of things,
and I figured she’d call back soon.
Crickets. Nothing for days. I tried again. Still no answer. This time I followed up with a text
message. No answer again, so I figured I’d
send her an email and ask if she was okay.
By now I was getting worried that I hadn’t heard anything from her. I couldn't even drive to her place because I knew she'd given up her apartment in the summer and I had no idea where she'd landed. Covid was doing its best to kill off anyone
in its path and I was concerned for her, even though she is pretty OCD about
germs. Now it so happened that she had a
friend who worked in the film industry and who had emailed me a personal video
message from the actor who played Will Riker in STNG. (I'm a fan.) As a result I had the friend’s email
address. I knew how crazy she was about
keeping her friends separate, but I was worried, so I reached out to him and
asked if he had heard from her and to please ask her to call me as I was
concerned.
The next thing I knew I got a text from her
claiming she was unwell and then proceeding to berate me for contacting him,
claiming I’d betrayed her trust, etc. I
told her how I had managed to “track him down” and why and suggested that instead
of flinging accusations she might consider that my concern might have come from
a place of love. I told her that I’d never
been less than a friend to her (truth be told I was always a better friend to
her than she was to me). I told her she
should understand my concern as she knew very well I’d lost 7 friends that year
to cancer, heart attack, and even covid, but that if she wanted to finish it
off by shitting all over me for being worried about her, just let me know not
to bother with her anymore and I wouldn’t. Crickets.
She cut me off. She never replied
and now 11 months later I think she may regret her harsh words and actions and
just doesn’t know how to apologize. Call
me stubborn on this one, but I can’t make the first move on this one. I’m still hurt. She needs to be the one to reach out. I tried and was ignored.
On one hand you have my mother and my father,
both have cut off all relations. It
hurts a lot when family does that, especially my dad. Then on the other hand you have a friend of
16 years, who when we met, was heartbroken over a mutual friend who had died
before they’d reconciled some argument.
Perhaps I’m seeing a trend with that friend now that I think about
it. Still, we had 16 years invested into
that relationship and she tossed it away like so much trash she didn’t need.
I can only just shake my head at what might have been in each case. My mother has completely missed my kid's school years. My father has missed out on seeing him move from little boy into a man. My former friend? She's missed having someone in her corner, who had her back, someone to laugh with, remember old friends with, the whole gamut. It's really her loss when you get down to it. Still...